I drove through Carl’s Jr. last night, sometime around 2 am, and got a burger and a shake. That’s over 2000 of the worst calories you can consume about an hour and a half before I went to bed. That’s so bad, I’m at a loss for words on how else to describe it.
I ate that burger last night because I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy or healthy – a feeling that has been steadily reemerging in me for some time now. It’s no coincidence then, that my resolve and dedication have slowly fallen apart over that same time period. Whatever it was, that I had, which prompted me to lose 40 lbs, I’ve lost it. That sense of self worth that made me want to be better is gone, and without it, I feel powerless – I’ve no reason to fight.
Does stress do this to person; break them down until they feel as if they deserve it? Or, does the feeling that one deserves to be broken the thing that drives us to create the stress that breaks us down? I don’t know. I’m not even sure whether I’m posting this as sign of defiance, or self pity. I hope it’s the former, and am terribly afraid it’s the latter.
The proverbial “they” say that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well, I have a problem. What’s step 2?
I looked it up. You will not like step 2. “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Or were you being rhetorical? Anyway something even less helpful: http://www.rockbottom.com/
Step two is forgiveness and is often times harder than step one. Forgive yourself for the bad choices and the mistakes you have made and continue your journey. This is life or death, my friend.
I have problems with higher powers, but forgiveness I might be able to handle.
After spending most of yesterday in a funk, I got my first good night’s sleep in what feels like forever and I actually feel much better today. Unfortunately, I don’t know how long that feeling will last, as my stretches of depression are often broken up by a day or two of encouragement. Doing my best to capitalize on it while I can. I prepped some items for lunch for later in the week, did a little shopping for relatively healthy stuff, put together a new playlist for the gym, etc.
I’m really just trying to focus on the fact that I haven’t gained anything these last few months. Almost all of my weight was put on in spurts like this. I’d have a stable weight for a good portion of the year, get stressed out, go into a 3 month funk, put on 20 pounds. If the new status quo is to lose weight a good portion of the year, go into a funk and remain stable, that’s a net gain.
Ugh, sorry to read this Paul. I hope you can get out of this funk quickly and get your mojo back. This is just a stumbling block that I’m confident you can get past. Please don’t let this derail your whole effort.
p.s. I just noticed your MJ tagline, I love it.
Well the most vicious part is that its all connected, your mental, emotional, and physical health. So when youre not sleeping it makes it hard to make good choices which makes it easy to eat poorly which makes you feel bad about yourself…..wash, rinse, repeat. I find, when it comes to motivation struggles (and you know youre not alone…. sometimes I find it hard to be motivated to do one of the only things I actually enjoy in this whole world…why? because of some sense of success and self worth I have tied up in it? fear of failure? or as Id like to believe fear of success? I mean, the whole mental game is ridiculous)… I find one thing that usually works is sort of separating myself in two, one being the emotional, childish person and the other being the rational, practical, no BS person, and basically having the latter tell the former to shut the hell up and get to work. So I want to sit around and ponder what it all means and find some deeper “understanding” and write some long journal entry about my struggles but I literally block all of that out and go downstairs and do a voice lesson. Or pick up the guitar and practice for an hour. Just do SOMEthing which immediately helps to ease the guilt involved with all the other mental BS in the first place….. I mean, sometimes I will literally talk out loud to myself like a parent or friend, with some tough love direction on taking action…. perhaps I am crazy, perhaps this is just one more BS mental tool that doesn’t “solve” the root of my “problem” but then at least the wheel gets moving for the cycle of action and feeling accomplishment which makes me motivated to perpetuate the action…. I don’t know if this is helpful to you, but you know, it sounds like youre on the right track by doing the shopping and making plans for the week…. honestly, sometimes it comes down to making your brain shut the f*ck up, even if it leaves you feeling emotionally unresolved or whatever, and just plowing forward because eventually, feelings of accomplishment will once again outweigh all that other stuff and you wont feel weighed down by the “need” to deal with it. You know, the things you dwell on mentally become your reality so at some point you have to shut off the analyzing faucet and just redirect your energy toward action. The actions will redirect your thoughts and you can be on the right track again. Its all a process. Youre not out of the loop, just somewhere at the bottom where you need that extra push to gain the momentum to get back up around….
Heres a quote from Seth Godin’s blog:
I don’t feel like it
What’s it?
Why do you need to feel like something in order to do the work? They call it work because it’s difficult, not because it’s something you need to feel like.
Very few people wake up in the morning and feel like taking big risks or feel like digging deep for something that has eluded them. People don’t usually feel like pushing themselves harder than they’ve pushed before or having conversations that might be uncomfortable.
Of course, your feelings are irrelevant to whether or not the market expects great work. Do the work. Ignore the feelings part and the work will follow.