If you haven’t been watching my progress page for the past couple of weeks (and I mean, honestly, why wouldn’t you be) you may not have noticed that I’ve been updating my weight again. More importantly, the weights I’ve been entering are moving in the right direction – in fact I’ve lost 8.6 pounds in the last 4 weeks.
I started updating my weight without so much as a peep here because the idea of posting here after so long was difficult. I think revisiting anything we consider to be a previous failure is always hard and, ultimately, that’s what I felt like this site had become. In retrospect, it seems destined to have become what it was – emotionally I was in a terrible place when I first built the site (as is pretty clear by the faux bravado in some of my writing at the time). It was as much a cry out for help as it was anything else.
Despite initial success, it eventually became clear to me (with the help of insightful discussions with both my sister and my girlfriend) that the deeper issues I was struggling with couldn’t be beaten just by dropping weight. While that was an important revelation, it also left me a little lost – both with where to go next, and what to do with the site. Around that time, on more than one occasion I posted about my intention to expand the site to be more about enriching my life, as opposed to just weight loss. Those changes never surfaced. With the 20/20 vision of hindsight I can see now that I was still far too tied into the idea not letting the site become the failure I already felt like it was to possibly be able to make that happen at the time. Eventually I stopped updating the site entirely, sheepishly shrugging off comments by the few people who cared enough to ask me about it directly and the rest, as they say, is history.
While I stopped focusing directly on losing weight (with predictable results) I didn’t stop trying to enrich my life. The last two years have seen a litany of small changes I’ve made to my lifestyle which, individually, are barely worth noting – from reading books I normally might not have, to investing in a few new pieces of clothing, to spending 5 minutes a day in the sun with no other motive – the cumulative effect of which has been rather significant. Perhaps most importantly (at least in the context of this post) is that the sum of all those acts has resulted in me wanting to come back to this site, both to learn from my previous mistakes and to make it better than it ever could have been in earlier attempts.