Lost and Forgotten

Posted on Jan 20, 2011 in Thoughts | 3 comments

“And then they stopped smiling. The corpse they saw in the weeds by the roadside was a rusty cylinder with bits of glass – the remnant of a gas-station pump.

It was the only thing left visible. The few charred posts, the slab of concrete and the sparkle of glass dust which had been a gas station – were swallowed in the brush, not to be noticed except by a careful glance, not to be seen at all in another year.

They looked away. They drove on, not wanting to know what else lay hidden under the miles of weeds. They felt the same wonder like a weight in the silence between them: wonder as to how much the weeds had swallowed and how fast.”

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Fail Better

Posted on Sep 9, 2010 in Thoughts | 4 comments

I’ve been eating like garbage lately. Usually I’d try and explain why, but I’m not sure that would help, so I’m gonna take some advice and just post the following:

I failed; I gave up. I’m going to start again, and not give up this time.

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Weekend Update

Posted on Aug 30, 2010 in Thoughts | 0 comments

I need to not delay a day or two before posting my food, otherwise I might lose track of exactly what I ate and not have exact counts for the day – like I did this weekend.

Overall, I it was a mixed bag. Friday I was in a terrible mood and succumbed to a cheeseburger and fries at the local deli, but otherwise was on point with my eating. Saturday I did well, even resisting my typical habit of eating poorly when going out (the sips from Esther’s chocolate raspberry martini weren’t significant enough to count), but the Mojito afterward certainly wasn’t on the diet. Sunday I did well save for some fig newtons I munched on at Dad’s while working on some computer stuff.

The mojito and the burger are both acceptable in my mind – I’m not always going to eat great & sometimes you need to kick back with a drink – but the fig newtons (which calorie wise were the least of my transgressions) bother me because I snacked on them absent-mindedly. I’d probably had 3 or 4 of them before I realized I’d been taking in calories.

Still, considering I felt like an emotional wreck on Friday and had to resist the urge to just go nuts on cupcakes and cookies that were available here in the office, I’m okay with the way things played out.

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Day 2

Posted on Aug 15, 2010 in Thoughts | 0 comments

My friends Jeff & Heather came over tonight and helped me do alot of the prep involved in following the p90x meal plan, for which I am eternally grateful. I’m a dog in the kitchen, despite my sister’s best efforts to help me not be.

Afterward, they joined me in doing plyometrics and, to their credit, didn’t throw up. In fact, no one did, which I’m rather proud of since I’ve thrown up at some point while doing plyo every single time I’ve done it. Although I did get a nasty hamstring cramp early in the routine, and then tweak my knee late, so it’s possible I wasn’t going quite as hard as I normally do.

It’s only been about a month since I was doing this 6 days a week, and I’d already forgotten just how tough it is on the body. My joints ache and my muscles feel like they’re sunburnt under my skin. Hopefully, following the nutrition program will aid my recovery as I’ll be getting better nutrition than before.

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The Out Of Towner

Posted on Aug 14, 2010 in Thoughts | 2 comments

I was only out of town alittle over two weeks, but I used it as an excuse to not post for about a month. This changing your life thing in public is harder than I could have imagined.

At the beginning, when you’re seeing results, and you’re pumped because you had to work up the courage to tell all your friends and family what you’re planning, it’s easy to ride that high and have it carry you for a while. Once that wears off, and you start to struggle, you begin to see that maybe your weight isn’t an isolated issue. Suddenly, breaking the plateau you’re at involves facing fears of failure at work or school, or realizing that the way you mismanage your money depresses you. Now you find yourself facing huge obstacles – obstacles that can’t be solved just by spending an additional 15 minutes on the treadmill – and you despair.

It’s funny how viscous that cycle is, and how it can cause you to undermine yourself. That sense of failure permeates your being and affects everything you do. In fact, someone even told me “It’s like you’re doing the right things, in the wrong ways.” I did 66 days of p90x workouts missing only 3 days in the process (2 of which were for surgery), and didn’t see a pound of weight loss because I was eating terribly.

At the time I told myself it was because I was working out so hard I needed more calories (which was true), but then I went and got those calories via cupcakes & nachos. Even as I write that it sounds so ridiculous I want to smack myself across the face, but when you’re depressed I guess a lot of bad ideas can sound like good ones and the truth can get a little confusing.

I did see really impressive fitness result on p90x though, and I’d really like to see what it could do for me if I were doing it the right way – which means not letting my ego or depression get involved and following it to the letter, nutrition plan and all. So today I’m going to start the program anew, from Day 1. I’m taking all the measurements – including the dreaded before and after pictures – and will get them posted shortly.

Also, a while back I was considering what to do on this site about some of the other aspects of my life I think are negatively impacting my weight goals, such as my finances. I figure if I’m gonna be fighting this battle publicly, then I should do it publicly, end of story. I’ve decided that I’m going to include them in the site in some fashion, and will be playing around with tools and what not to help me do so.

I’m looking forward to some of the changes to the site I’m planning, and to not only getting my weight loss back on track, but taking it to a new level.

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Vacations Are Good For The Soul

Posted on Jul 12, 2010 in Thoughts | 7 comments

A great weekend away has me feeling really good today. The scale this morning was up (alot), but it was well worth it to have a little mini-vacation. Getting away for just a couple of days and not having to worry about my day-to-day life has really helped my outlook on things I think.

I know I haven’t been posting much recently, and I certainly haven’t been watching my calories, but I’m still busting my ass on p90x, having only missed a total of 3 days of the 51 I’ve been at it (two of which were because of surgery). As far as habits go, that’s definitely a good one to be building.

I know I can’t just sit pretty on the 42 pounds I’ve already lost, but in my efforts to not do so, I think I’ve been focusing too much on how much further I have to go, and all the mistakes I’ve made since I started to struggle. When I see little gains, or small losses, in the back of my mind, I compare it to the 1.7 pounds a week I was losing before, and I feel like I’m not doing well.

At different points along this process of trying to improve my health I’ve eaten better, worked out regularly, cooked my own food, saved money, etc. I just haven’t quite figured out how to put all of those things together at the same time.

Practice makes perfect, or so they say, so I’ll keep trying until I get it right.

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Time is the only critic without ambition.

- John Steinbeck